Take last Monday (I wish someone had); it was all mapped out – the writing, the accounts, the bill paying, the getting tea ready for the step-sons and partner. Then I woke up and things went a bit tits-up because, erm, I just wasn’t feeling it.
Clamber into bed and pull the duvet over my head. A simple act for someone self-employed one would imagine. Nothing, it seems, is further from the truth. The thought of following that desire through filled me with fear for the simple reason that in 1995 I did just that, and it took gargantuan effort to get myself out of it again 2 years later.
You see I was doing ME/CFS and did it for 23 years. Part of that time was spent in a wheelchair, part in an armchair, parts of wellness and the rest with the duvet over my head. Even though I am well now, there is the teeniest, tiniest, microscopic hint somewhere in my body that if I go back to bed for anything other than illness, that I will immediately become incapable of leaving it.
It’s like the thought of crying sometimes – you know the one, where you suspect that if you start to cry the tears will never stop and you will have to be slapped to stop you, so you stick your chin out and battle on.
It’s all nonsense of course, and saying it really helps.
Of course it doesn’t! We know the folly of our thoughts, but they are there, aren’t they.
The act of acknowledging the fear is a step towards resolving those feelings. Writing helps. Talking helps. Anything to gain some clarity, and doing it in a way which is loving and supportive.
What is helping me now?
Returning to creativity.
Picking up my knitting, and just losing myself in that rhythmical click, click, click of the needles, focussing on the feel of the yarn as it moves through my fingers, and feeling the satisfaction as the piece grows. It’s calming, centring and grounding, all at once.
I let my mind wander as I picture what it might look like when it’s finished. What embellishment can I use? Will it be useful or just decorative? My current favourite question is, who can I gift it to?
It seems the act of sharing our “makes” is known to create that feel-good factor we all crave – real chemicals in our system, and ones which counteract those which tried to overturn my day. Pretty cool huh!
Who’d have thought that the simple act of knitting could turn things around so simply and so beautifully. And tick my science box too! Double-bubble.